Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Just one of those days

This was wrote on Tuesday, March 25th.

Unfortunately, at hospitals there are bad days.

Unfortunately, we struggle.

Unfortunately, at times it is really hard.

Today was one of those days.

Let me just go ahead and apologize for not having a happy and sunny blog post today. This might be emotional to read. But like I said in my first post, this blog is also my release for days that it is hard.

Yesterday was such a positive day. Knox did great through surgery, and though it is not a permanent fix to our problem it gives us time to grow, get bigger, stronger, and have the opportunity to go home. He did great when he came back to the ICU, and recovered nicely.

Today we had to go back to the Heart Cath lab for another procedure that is needed to aid with yesterday's surgery. Knox did good through the procedure, but didn't jump back to his normal self after the procedure.

And today I struggled through it.  Some days the stress just gets to hard to handle. And to deal with it - I get upset. I cry. I shutdown.

I am dealing with some personal health problems after my c-section. My child is hurting. I want to hold him and make him feel better, and I can't. With everything that went on today I maybe had 5 minutes alone with Knox. Just time to sit, talk to him, and be with him.

Of course, the nurses don't want him to be in pain, but it makes me upset when they sedate him. Knox opens his eyes and starts to squirm. We get excited. We want to talk to him and look at his eyes. When this happens they want to sedate him. I hate it. I want him to be able to be a baby. I want to look at his little face with his eyes open. I want to see his legs kick. I understand their reasoning, but as a mom who has admired her 18 day old son sitting beside his bed, those little movements make my heart so happy.

I know we are in a time of recovery with Knox, and that is so positive. We are hoping to work on getting off the vent this week, starting feeds back up, and getting off meds. So there are positives going on, but some days its just hard to wrap your head around everything. And sometimes the smallest things just makes everything boil over.


  1. Hoping today is a better day. Don't ever be upset about expressing your emotions about what you going through. You deserve your time to be angry and to cry and eat chocolate, and whatever else gets you and Drew through this difficult time. Sending lots of love from NICU grads to a future NICU grad. Can't wait to see all of our little miracles play together at future cattle sales.

  2. Holli,
    Stay strong and it is ok to be upset and have bad days. It is also ok to talk about the bad days and express your thoughts and feelings. I am glad you have your blog where you can vent and share. Be sure to use the NICU nurses as resources as well they are very good to talk to and help educate when we don't understand. My NICU graduate is now 12 and 5'7 1/2 tall and in 7th grade he was only 5lbs when left the NICU and my twin niece and nephew graduates are now 5. I hope that gives you a little bit of encouragement as well. Praying for you!! Jerm 29:11 I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans not to harm you but to prosper you and give you hope for a future. That includes your precious little Knox too and I am sure God has great plans for him in mind.

  3. Holli my heart goes out to You and Drew. As being a mommy I know its hard not being able to hold that precious joy. Stay strong you have a WONDERFUL family there by your side. Hopefully it won't be long till your home cuddling that precious joy. We are thinking and praying for you all daily. Hope to see you all soon.

  4. Continue to be strong and talk to Knox.....He draws strength and courage from you, Drew and all his loved ones who surround him each day. He's an amazing, special little boy but that shouldn't be a surprise - he's got two awesome parents! Love and prayers sent your way everyday :)