This was wrote on Tuesday, March 25th.
Unfortunately, at hospitals there are bad days.
Unfortunately, we struggle.
Unfortunately, at times it is really hard.
Today was one of those days.
Let me just go ahead and apologize for not having a happy and sunny blog post today. This might be emotional to read. But like I said in my first post, this blog is also my release for days that it is hard.
Yesterday was such a positive day. Knox did great through surgery, and though it is not a permanent fix to our problem it gives us time to grow, get bigger, stronger, and have the opportunity to go home. He did great when he came back to the ICU, and recovered nicely.
Today we had to go back to the Heart Cath lab for another procedure that is needed to aid with yesterday's surgery. Knox did good through the procedure, but didn't jump back to his normal self after the procedure.
And today I struggled through it. Some days the stress just gets to hard to handle. And to deal with it - I get upset. I cry. I shutdown.
I am dealing with some personal health problems after my c-section. My child is hurting. I want to hold him and make him feel better, and I can't. With everything that went on today I maybe had 5 minutes alone with Knox. Just time to sit, talk to him, and be with him.
Of course, the nurses don't want him to be in pain, but it makes me upset when they sedate him. Knox opens his eyes and starts to squirm. We get excited. We want to talk to him and look at his eyes. When this happens they want to sedate him. I hate it. I want him to be able to be a baby. I want to look at his little face with his eyes open. I want to see his legs kick. I understand their reasoning, but as a mom who has admired her 18 day old son sitting beside his bed, those little movements make my heart so happy.
I know we are in a time of recovery with Knox, and that is so positive. We are hoping to work on getting off the vent this week, starting feeds back up, and getting off meds. So there are positives going on, but some days its just hard to wrap your head around everything. And sometimes the smallest things just makes everything boil over.