As today is Mother's Day I have been reflecting upon my two months of motherhood.
Throughout your life and definitely throughout your pregnancy you think about how it will be to be a mother. The moment you find out your pregnant, hear the heart beat the first time, and meet your child are just a few milestones you long for.
Obviously my path to motherhood hasn't been the regular road like most mothers experience. Well it was until week 29, and then all hell broke lose. Our world was turned upside down. I, then began questioning myself - did I do something wrong, was something my fault, what could I have done differently? Though I knew things weren't my fault I couldn't help but blame myself. When Knox was forced to come early because of my preeclampsia issues, I felt like it was my fault that he was so small and early.
When they delivered Knox and whisked him away to the NICU I barely even got to see him. After a little bit of time they took him to Nationwide Children's Hospital to begin his care for his heart. I was left at my delivery hospital. Drew went with Knox to the children's hospital and our families went to get sleep. My aunt stayed with me, but there I was stuck at the hospital. I had just delivered a baby, but there was no baby in sight. I was a mom, but it sure didn't feel like it. The nurses were ready for me to begin pumping, but at that moment I had no emotional attachment to what had gone on. I just felt alone.
My first day as a mother progressed. Because of the preeclampsia I was confined to bed rest. I was in a rut. I was husband-less, child-less, depressed, and angry. Our families visited Knox at the hospital. Now everyone had seen him, had photos with him, and I hadn't even gotten to hold him. They all talked about him, and all I wanted to do was cry. I was angry at the world. This wasn't how this was suppose to go. This wasn't how every mother dreamed of spending her first day. A mother should be doing kangaroo care, taking pictures of their new family, and welcoming visitors. I didn't feel like a mother.
The following day I was finally allowed to meet Knox for the first time at Nationwide. The wonderful nurse even let me hold him for the first time. I had a son. The three of us were a family.
I won't lie that for the next few days/weeks I continued to struggle. I was scared for what Knox was going through. In my heart I could feel the tug of my heart strings as he had bad days, and had procedures. I knew that I loved that little boy hooked to all the wires and monitors, but I still didn't feel like his mom.
Little moments started happening as Knox progressed that began to pull me out of my hole. I changed his diaper for the first time. I helped with his chest cold care. But the day I got to hold him skin to skin, my world changed. Doctors and nurses asked me questions instead of just telling me things to know. I was a mom. I was Knox's mom.
As I look back now I know that all the worrying I did meant that I WAS a MOM. It just wasn't the typical road women go down to become a mom. I hope that going through all that, and what we will continue to go through in the future will help me be a better, stronger mom for Knox.
So Happy Mother's Day to all your wonderful moms out there. I am blessed to have joined the club and be celebrating my first Mother's Day with my little man.